[0.0s] previously on Dumbgeons and Dragons.
[30.0s] I'm gonna pull out my war pick, cause Hilt's acting like a total weird beard.
[58.6s] You see, um, moot bleeding out inside.
[62.0s] Oh my god, you guys, what's going on?
[63.7s] And I start untying them, like, I thought you were just outside and you were evil and
[66.9s] you were trying to kill me and-
[67.9s] Where is that handsome bastard?
[68.9s] I'm gonna punch his beautiful face in.
[71.7s] They're both unconscious, I think, but I hope someone can explain what's going on.
[75.6s] He was going to stop my people from living.
[79.4s] Uh, I'm gonna cast Magic Missile.
[80.9s] Hylip, how do you feel about teaching Zumba?
[83.3s] Are you talking about just, like, cover while you do the thing?
[86.9s] Cause I could, I could fill in.
[89.0s] Yeah.
[90.0s] Why don't you try and run the class tomorrow?
[113.6s] Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons.
[115.6s] We're a D&D 5th edition actual play podcast, and I'm your Dungeon Master Russ More, and
[119.4s] with me today is Karla Maxted.
[122.4s] That is me.
[123.6s] I play Norixious Akra, better known as your Zumba superstar, Glim.
[130.2s] And Tom Laird.
[131.6s] That's me.
[132.6s] Uh, yeah, no real aerobics credits to my name, but I play moot.
[138.4s] And Amy More.
[139.4s] Yeah, that's me.
[140.4s] Mmm.
[141.4s] Mmm.
[142.4s] Yeah.
[143.4s] Mmm.
[144.4s] Yep, that's me.
[146.2s] That's as good as you get.
[147.2s] Uh, and I play Sullivan Sleight, and did I have to just look at the name?
[151.4s] I sure did.
[152.7s] Also with us today, two very special guests from the North by North Quest podcast, it's
[156.8s] Tiffany and David Alvort.
[158.6s] Hello!
[159.6s] Hello!
[160.6s] Yay!
[161.6s] Welcome!
[162.6s] Yes!
[163.6s] It's so fun!
[164.6s] We're excited to be here!
[165.6s] We're gonna cause so many problems.
[166.6s] It's gonna be great.
[167.6s] It's gonna be great.
[169.8s] Any resemblance of to a functioning world that you had going into this episode will
[173.0s] be gone by the time we're done.
[174.0s] It's gonna be fine.
[175.3s] Little did I know, two seemingly inconsequential characters held the key to destroying everything.
[183.5s] I mean, it's always the quiet ones you don't expect.
[186.1s] Touche.
[187.1s] I say that, we're probably not gonna be quiet.
[189.1s] I just wanna say, I think every time we've guest starred or have had guests on, something
[195.0s] really pivotal has changed.
[197.6s] Good.
[199.2s] Like going to an alternate timeline and Flint ending up with an alter ego soul within him.
[208.4s] Right.
[209.4s] Yeah.
[210.4s] Good.
[211.4s] I can't think of a second example.
[212.4s] We got our team name.
[213.4s] Yep.
[214.4s] We forced someone to name us.
[215.4s] We forced someone to do that, but it still happened and was, you know, pivotal.
[220.0s] See, when you have guests on, you try and put your best foot forward, and that
[225.4s] foot usually means big plot changes.
[229.2s] Yes.
[230.2s] Oh, I thought that was why I was wearing my robe.
[234.2s] This is me putting my best foot forward.
[236.5s] It's a good foot.
[237.5s] I thought this was just a shopping episode.
[241.0s] We aren't just going to fantasy cosplay.
[243.5s] It could very well be.
[244.5s] We'll soon find out.
[246.2s] Where you can find out about a whole bunch of other cool things is over on Patreon.
[249.4s] Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast, and when you are a patron of ours, you
[252.9s] get an episode dedicated to you like today's patron sketchy ding dong.
[257.2s] Thanks, sketchy ding dong.
[260.2s] Thank you for your name.
[261.2s] I didn't realize Amy was sponsoring our own podcast.
[265.7s] I feel so honored to be on sketchy ding dong's episode.
[268.8s] Yeah. Wow. Right.
[270.6s] I was just going to say, don't make me laugh, but it'd be like a really terrible,
[274.4s] terrible episode of, you know, just deadpan the entire time.
[277.8s] No laughter.
[278.8s] No laughter, you guys.
[280.7s] Keep it. Keep it clean.
[282.4s] It's sketchy, ding dong.
[283.6s] Fantastic.
[284.3s] Check it out. Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
[287.6s] Fuck it. Let's play D&D.
[289.5s] Yeah.
[291.0s] Yes. Let's do this.
[297.8s] It's a bright and sunny day in Waterdeep.
[300.4s] The city is bustling with activity as another wave of caravans gets ready
[305.8s] to move more people back out of the city into their homes across Faerun.
[313.0s] Everyone from beggars to adventurers can be seen haggling or bartering
[317.1s] for the best jobs or passage out in hopes of starting over.
[321.4s] And we land upon one such deal as we see a caravan owner talking
[327.3s] with two armored individuals, a tall human male and a rainbow feathered
[334.0s] Root, Root, have we gotten the caravans set up yet?
[338.4s] Uh, yes. Yes, sir.
[341.0s] Yes, we did that.
[342.3s] We got it right here.
[344.2s] Did you get the man paid?
[346.2s] Oh, you had one job, Root.
[350.8s] I'm I'm still new here.
[353.1s] I don't know how everything works outside of Makah Valley.
[356.0s] Yeah, well, you've been using that excuse for a while.
[358.6s] And what am I doing paying you in Birdseed?
[360.6s] Because this doesn't your performance appraisal for, you know,
[364.6s] your squiredom in this exchange program is very questionable.
[368.0s] It's been three days.
[370.2s] Yes. Well, that's two and a half days too long in my book.
[374.3s] I didn't get to where I was on three day excuses.
[377.9s] Oh, I'm sorry.
[379.6s] I'm sorry. And you just digging through,
[382.9s] digging through their bag to try and find the pouch of silver
[387.1s] and gold that you gave me.
[388.4s] As the tall human just looks off in the distance with his
[392.2s] fists on his hips.
[393.9s] That's a good pose.
[395.5s] I know it's really becoming pay the man.
[398.8s] Oh, oh, oh, yes.
[400.2s] OK, here.
[402.4s] Thank you. Thank you, Root.
[404.7s] You're welcome. Yes.
[405.6s] Yes, thank you. You two are very interesting characters.
[408.9s] Oh, we've been there our whole life.
[412.4s] Well, I've been here three days.
[414.6s] I mean, you came walking over here looking for a job,
[416.8s] but now you're paying me.
[418.7s] Yeah, well, I mean, you're the caravan leader, right?
[421.3s] Wait, wait, he's paying.
[423.5s] We're what I thought we were hiring him and switch.
[427.7s] Get on board, Root.
[429.0s] Give him two gold. He gives us two hundreds.
[431.6s] You see, then you get five friends and you give them two gold.
[434.6s] They give you two hundred.
[435.7s] I don't think the math checks out.
[437.2s] It's what the sketchy rogues have taught me.
[439.8s] Why are you learning from sketchy rogues?
[441.8s] Because I'm throwing you under the bus if I knew what a bus was.
[445.8s] OK.
[447.4s] I don't know what a bus is, but look, I need some guards here.
[450.8s] I don't know about you two specifically.
[453.2s] You haven't given me much to go on here to say that you're very reputable
[458.2s] in the skills that you have put forward here.
[460.6s] Let me look at your resume.
[462.4s] Well, he's a very great knight.
[464.6s] I mean, they wouldn't have put me in the Squire Exchange program
[467.6s] with him if he wasn't real great.
[469.4s] Knight of the Realm. Round. Knight of the Round.
[472.4s] Round, Root. Round.
[474.3s] I'm trying.
[476.4s] Unnamed, unraced, disclosed merchant man.
[480.4s] What would put you more at ease about us?
[484.0s] Well, my name is Hamick.
[485.2s] I'm a dwarf, as you see.
[486.8s] OK. Nice to meet you.
[488.1s] I'm Squire Bertie Lemieux.
[489.9s] Nice to meet you, Squire Bertie Lemieux.
[492.1s] You're a very interesting character and you hang out with very
[495.7s] forward individuals here.
[497.4s] Well, it's kind of a job.
[498.7s] So what what what we need here is we need these these caravans.
[502.4s] You see here these wagons here? Yes.
[504.7s] Count four of them.
[506.8s] Four wagons.
[508.8s] They have a whole bunch of stuff that we need taken to Daggerford.
[514.1s] You know the place?
[515.8s] Yeah, we've been there before.
[517.8s] Well, I've been there.
[518.9s] Bertie, Bertie. Yes.
[520.8s] Root. Yes.
[521.9s] Have you been to Daggerford before?
[524.7s] I've been here three days.
[526.6s] Answer the question, Root. No.
[528.8s] OK, I know of where you're talking.
[532.1s] My bird squire does not.
[534.0s] But we will make it work for you.
[536.0s] Your four wagons, not three.
[539.5s] Didn't miscount earlier.
[541.1s] We'll make it there safely.
[542.4s] Perfect. Perfect.
[543.4s] So for this job here, I've got let me see.
[547.8s] He reaches into a satchel and pulls out a bag and gives it a bit of a shake.
[553.6s] Says it feels about like five hundred gold here now.
[559.5s] The roads have been safe.
[561.8s] But word is that there could be something happen in near Daggerford.
[566.1s] I'd highly suggest you finding some recruits
[571.2s] to help you along your way.
[572.9s] Oh, we need extra help.
[574.6s] Now there's something on the road.
[576.8s] Is it something like a block party or a monster attack?
[580.3s] Because specificity, man, this makes a difference on the talent that we recruit.
[584.8s] That is true. That is true.
[587.0s] Do you need a belly dancer?
[589.2s] Oh, oh, a cousin of mine can do that.
[591.8s] Very cool.
[593.2s] Not exactly what I think we're looking for here.
[595.6s] The rumor is that maybe some goblins have moved in somewhere along the way,
[602.2s] turning up a little bit of trouble towards our neck of the woods.
[606.2s] Those turnt up goblos got the worst.
[610.4s] I hate a turnt gobble.
[612.2s] What are we going to do about this route?
[614.4s] Whatever will we do?
[616.8s] Well, apparently we have to hire people
[620.3s] to help us.
[622.4s] That's what the man just said, sir.
[626.1s] Turnt goblins.
[628.0s] We cut we cut away from the caravans
[632.2s] and we we joined back with our friends Moot, Glim and Sully,
[636.3s] who what are you doing at this very moment?
[639.4s] This is several days after.
[642.5s] This is several days after your previous incident. OK.
[646.7s] So. I guess maybe just a speed round of how you wrap that up.
[655.8s] I mean, probably we just left that mausoleum and never looked back.
[660.4s] Yeah, I think we just walked out of there and left the mushrooms,
[663.8s] left the dead bodies and just kind of about the mushrooms.
[667.2s] We should destroy the mushrooms.
[668.6s] I don't care about the dead body so much.
[670.4s] I put it I put out of order sign on the mausoleum door. Great.
[676.0s] OK, so there's a massacre inside the mausoleum,
[679.1s] a burnt patch of mushrooms, two dead bodies,
[684.1s] an out of order sign on the mausoleum door.
[686.4s] You've now packed your things.
[688.6s] As last discussed, you were getting ready to head towards
[692.4s] Timanthir, which is to the.
[696.2s] East. So you packed your things.
[698.2s] You know that at this moment, there are several caravans
[703.3s] packing up and getting ready to move back out into Faerun.
[707.0s] Could be a good opportunity for you.
[709.8s] I feel like I probably after having to kill
[714.8s] a bad fake lump person,
[717.6s] I still probably went back to the temple and like
[721.2s] spent some time contemplating and communing with Bahamut to like.
[727.2s] Cleanse that from my sort of absolution.
[730.3s] But now I'm ready to go.
[731.4s] Sully totally went to a to a tattoo artist
[734.4s] and got like a little too ex like dead face tattooed on
[739.8s] his side womb. Oh, scar.
[744.5s] Still so much love for him, even though he turned evil.
[747.2s] There's so many insane words that are being said right now, it's amazing.
[754.6s] How about Moot?
[756.0s] Moot has been reading through
[759.8s] magic textbooks that he's been able to read at the library.
[763.6s] But everything seems a little out of his grasp at the moment.
[768.4s] Not enough pictures, not enough pictures at all.
[771.2s] Well, time for us to start questing then.
[774.2s] We're ready. You've you've you've borrowed your books
[777.1s] with the intent to maybe someday bring them back
[780.8s] and you find yourself standing.
[784.7s] Bright faced, ready to face the day at the edge of water deep.
[788.8s] As you overlook many, many caravans and wagons,
[793.5s] all packing up and getting ready to go.
[796.0s] So do we just like any mini money Moses business?
[799.6s] Well, why don't we let's look around and see if any of these like
[805.2s] speak to us and then also go and speak to them
[807.8s] and find out if they're going the right way,
[809.2s] because we're looking to go east, you think?
[812.4s] Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's your hometown.
[814.4s] Sorry for my hoarse voice.
[818.6s] I screamed a lot, you know, when you when you get a tattoo
[820.9s] on on your side, it really hurts.
[823.2s] Yeah. Well, and you're nursing some deep emotional wounds, too, so.
[828.9s] Sure. Yeah. Tattoo on the scar tissue.
[832.0s] How's the what what made you decide to get it there?
[835.6s] Well, I'm just like really brave.
[836.9s] And it's always to remind me, like, never trust anything
[839.9s] that comes at you that isn't from a hole that was naturally put there.
[843.2s] Oh, yeah, that old saying.
[844.7s] Good words to live by.
[846.1s] Good words to check out.
[848.2s] You hear a voice from behind you.
[851.3s] Hey, you crazy kids.
[852.8s] I forgot to ask you that one question.
[854.9s] Oh, you guys go faster.
[856.9s] Wait, don't look back.
[858.8s] Good. Just wait back.
[861.1s] Look. Hi, Hillip.
[862.8s] Yeah, Glam. You kill him.
[864.2s] I can't I can't.
[866.0s] Hi. Hi, Hillip.
[867.4s] We're just leaving. So we. Yeah.
[869.2s] No. Quick question.
[870.1s] Just because you've handed off your Zumba classes to me,
[872.8s] I just want to make sure that I do it right.
[876.2s] So what time is check in?
[879.2s] Oh, it starts starts very early.
[881.0s] So you need to be there at about seven thirty.
[883.2s] Oh, shiz. OK, that is very early.
[886.9s] I will maybe first class change, change the schedule.
[892.6s] But that's for me to figure out.
[894.6s] Don't worry. You're in charge now.
[896.0s] You're in charge now, Hillip.
[897.2s] I know you're going to do a great job.
[898.8s] I'm sure we will see you guys next time you come back through here.
[901.6s] And I will make sure that we grow this Zumba Empire.
[905.5s] I mean, and and talk about Bahamut.
[907.8s] Then talk about Bahamut. You gave me those those notes.
[911.2s] I handed you those nice those nice pamphlets about the is the watch tower.
[915.7s] And then there was also right.
[917.7s] Yeah. So read those and then you'll be ready to teach.
[920.0s] Cools for school. All right.
[923.3s] I'll go check it out. You kids have fun on the road.
[926.1s] Don't take any
[928.8s] funny candies.
[931.4s] We'll we'll try not to sing from where I come from.
[934.4s] Don't don't take any funny candies.
[936.4s] OK, you don't beat any old ladies up for baguettes again.
[939.9s] I won't do it again.
[943.2s] My friends.
[945.0s] Bye, Hillip.
[947.1s] You turn and walk in and you see several people.
[953.4s] Tons of people, actually.
[955.3s] But everybody make a perception check.
[962.4s] You or just yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you too.
[965.7s] OK, well, I got a six.
[967.6s] So five. Oh, wow.
[969.5s] We were so right on board with each other.
[971.3s] I got a four.
[972.6s] I think we were just trying really hard to get away from Hillip.
[975.2s] I think so, too.
[976.1s] It's just important. We're not really looking.
[977.6s] We're just like briskly walking away.
[979.5s] Yeah. How about Damien and Bert Bert Bertolmew?
[984.2s] Bertie Lemieux, Bertie Lemieux, Bertie Lemieux, 10.
[987.9s] Damien got a 17.
[990.5s] OK, that's my one good roll of the night.
[992.9s] That's awesome.
[995.4s] You three begin walking in like not really knowing where to start.
[1000.5s] Damien, you just finish up kind of your conversation
[1005.8s] with the the caravan runner owner.
[1008.8s] I and you your eye is drawn to three youngins
[1015.2s] who look like they are looking for work, walking
[1019.4s] in your general direction.
[1021.0s] There's a half orc, a dragonborn and a halfling,
[1025.8s] all kind of wide eyed and bewildered like they need some guidance.
[1030.6s] Root. What?
[1031.8s] Root. What?
[1032.9s] Look right there.
[1034.7s] And Damien plunges his arm right under Bertie Lemieux's nose,
[1038.6s] pointing at the three wandering folks in front of him.
[1042.9s] Root. Yes.
[1044.4s] All right. Pop quiz time.
[1046.4s] Oh, no. Time to assess.
[1048.4s] Uh huh. How good do you think these three would be helping us on our quest?
[1053.7s] On like to Daggerford, on like a one to five stars scale,
[1057.8s] like a one to ten.
[1059.3s] Oh, one to Daggerford scale to Daggerford.
[1064.8s] That end of the scale.
[1066.8s] Is that the right answer? No.
[1068.7s] Oh, no. They look confused,
[1072.1s] which means they would be perfect for the job.
[1074.2s] Isn't that the answer I just gave? No.
[1077.4s] Oh, you have so much to learn, Squire.
[1079.8s] Lucky you that we've been partnered together
[1081.7s] and I've well lost my normal eigensquire off in your land.
[1085.0s] And let's go meet people.
[1088.4s] OK. Bertie, lead.
[1090.6s] Oh, and like wings flap
[1093.9s] and feathers like puff up in like nervous excitement.
[1098.1s] And this like three foot, four foot tall bird,
[1102.7s] very brightly colored, like green head,
[1106.2s] lilac chest, bright blue wings
[1110.0s] and tail feathers comes like hopping over to you
[1114.8s] and just, hello, hello.
[1116.6s] You guys look like you need a quest.
[1121.7s] I kind of like lean to my people and I go, don't act so green.
[1125.9s] We're not desperate.
[1127.4s] Who says, uh, your countenance
[1131.9s] and my knight said to ask you
[1135.4s] if you wanted to help us with our. Me, Damien Conference,
[1139.3s] knight of the round.
[1141.6s] So I can see that you are confused.
[1143.7s] Say what? So your last name is conference.
[1146.8s] It is like how, how, how far you get around a circle.
[1151.5s] Yeah, this is circumference, my knight who is training me.
[1156.3s] Are you cracking wise about my name?
[1159.5s] No, not at all. He has a knight of the round.
[1161.6s] I appreciate mathematics.
[1163.8s] I used to be a mathematical.
[1166.6s] You used to be? Really?
[1168.5s] Oh, yeah. Do you know any good mathematical stories?
[1171.5s] Oh, yeah. But I mean, now it's not the time.
[1173.5s] You were just you were you were pitching to us right now.
[1176.5s] Oh, no, it's always the time.
[1178.1s] Here, I have one for you.
[1179.6s] Do you know why zero is the best number?
[1182.0s] Squire, Bertie Lemieux is trying really hard not to raise their hand.
[1186.0s] Squire, it's their turn.
[1187.8s] I know this one. OK, it's their turn.
[1191.6s] Nobody.
[1192.6s] It's because it's holding back all the negativity.
[1195.3s] And he looks in the distance, very proud of himself.
[1199.4s] Big feather hands like frame him.
[1202.3s] Just like wing feathers.
[1204.6s] Wow. Super cool.
[1208.8s] Wow. Super cool.
[1212.4s] That's a good that's a good joke.
[1214.0s] So where are you going today?
[1216.8s] Where are you going?
[1219.3s] With this caravan to help with.
[1222.8s] To Tagerford.
[1224.1s] Yeah, that and to help with the turnt gobos.
[1227.1s] Wait, there's there's turnt gobos.
[1230.1s] That's what the man said.
[1231.8s] Root, I think that might be a little bit racist.
[1234.4s] I don't. Is it?
[1235.7s] I mean, I didn't think so when I said it,
[1238.5s] but when it came out of your mouth, I questioned my words from earlier.
[1242.8s] Is well, it got to be careful what you say in front of children.
[1245.6s] They'll just say anything.
[1247.8s] I don't think this bird is a child, but if I were Bertie Lemieux,
[1252.6s] are you a child? No, no, no.
[1255.8s] You're a very old squire.
[1257.8s] No, I'm a normal age squire.
[1260.2s] It's just hard to tell because my feathers are so bright.
[1263.3s] Oh, and circumference looks at the halfling.
[1266.0s] Are you a child?
[1267.6s] I think that might be racist.
[1269.4s] That's totally racist.
[1270.5s] What does it make you think I'm a child?
[1272.4s] You're the one who brought up children and I see no children around me.
[1275.7s] He does.
[1276.7s] Can I do a passive perception of like what is what's my passive?
[1279.8s] I don't know. We're not going to damn.
[1281.5s] I got 18 passive perception.
[1283.5s] Do I see children around me or is it literally the halfling?
[1287.4s] I mean, there there are families moving back,
[1290.4s] but in the immediate earshot, there are no no children that would be of concern.
[1296.9s] Short one, I believe we are in safe no children's zone.
[1299.8s] I think we can we are fine with continuing with our dealings of the day.
[1303.8s] So to Daggerford.
[1305.8s] Well, will you help us with the gobbos?
[1308.6s] I guess that depends.
[1310.3s] I definitely want to help with the gobbos.
[1312.7s] I love a mission that all sounds great, but one very important question.
[1317.3s] Oh, what direction is Daggerford in?
[1320.1s] Oh, that's a good question.
[1322.5s] That's probably the most important question.
[1324.5s] Sir, what direction is Daggerford in the direction the merchant pointed?
[1330.2s] East.
[1331.2s] Southeast ish.
[1333.2s] Almost, Bertie Lemieux.
[1335.8s] I mean, she said ish ish.
[1339.0s] Turn that compass a little bit further southeast.
[1344.6s] There you go.
[1345.8s] Southeast of here.
[1347.2s] Is that in any direction, at least somewhat of what you are traveling in?
[1352.0s] Well, yes.
[1353.6s] See, here's the thing.
[1354.5s] I need to save the world.
[1355.8s] So we need to head east.
[1358.2s] It's a long story.
[1359.2s] I won't bore you with the whole thing.
[1360.8s] I mean, there isn't much more than that.
[1362.2s] Mostly, it's just that we're going to save the world at some point.
[1365.7s] Not soon.
[1366.4s] We probably can help with these gobbos before we go do that.
[1369.0s] Damien, you know, it's a five to six day journey.
[1372.5s] Does the world need to be saved in the next week?
[1376.2s] Well, I hope not.
[1377.2s] I'm not ready to save it yet.
[1379.0s] Oh, well, excellent, because we have probably, I don't know, four or five,
[1383.4s] maybe even six days, depending if we take the scenic route ahead of us on the road.
[1388.0s] But it sounds like we can combine our journeys and we can help you
[1392.1s] make it along the way a little bit more safely and you can help us.
[1395.6s] It's full circle.
[1396.7s] Four wagons.
[1398.2s] Yes. Squire, what's there to see on this scenic route?
[1403.2s] Trees?
[1405.6s] Oh, well, you can see those anywhere.
[1407.0s] I thought you were talking like landmarks, like world's biggest.
[1411.9s] What are we going for here?
[1414.6s] Uh, there was talk that we could find the world's biggest jar of jam
[1422.0s] on the way.
[1423.1s] Yes, does your current quest have jam?
[1425.4s] I've never had jam.
[1427.8s] It sounds like a good time.
[1430.6s] Yeah. Squire, did you make that fact up?
[1433.8s] I feel like you're trying to egg these these fine folk on.
[1436.6s] I don't have any eggs.
[1438.3s] No. Oh, hmm.
[1440.3s] I look at my two traveling companions chalk.
[1443.1s] Yeah, can we talk for a second? Hold on. Sorry, sorry.
[1445.8s] Maybe just give us a give us a minute and we actually move away from them
[1449.3s] instead of just saying give us a minute and turning around,
[1451.6s] which is what we normally do.
[1454.5s] We move out of earshot.
[1457.0s] Guys, I'm a total sucker for world's biggest anything.
[1460.2s] I want to go.
[1462.8s] I mean, we have turned.
[1466.6s] You're just in the background away from that.
[1468.4s] I mean, just yelling jam over and over.
[1470.6s] Not even yelling, just quietly trying to infiltrate the huddle
[1475.1s] with the excitement of jam encroaching jam.
[1479.2s] Solly, what do you think?
[1482.2s] Guys, I feel like we just got rid of Hillip
[1484.1s] and now we're just going to like grab two more hillops and I'm just
[1488.4s] I'm so fucking hilloped out right now.
[1490.6s] But there's been no other offers.
[1493.0s] And I think we should probably just get this show on the road.
[1495.8s] So I mean, why we could ask them some questions to see
[1499.4s] to test their hillop levels.
[1501.2s] Oh, that's good.
[1502.0s] They've already failed on the hillop scale.
[1504.2s] Oh, oh, Jesus Christ.
[1506.6s] OK, I guess I guess my hillop barometer is broken.
[1511.2s] Not everyone's is attuned the same way.
[1513.4s] I'm very sensitive.
[1515.1s] OK, well, I say we go.
[1517.3s] Go for it. OK.
[1519.2s] I want to see jam.
[1520.6s] Me too. Oh, I really want to see those.
[1522.8s] Jam, jam, jam, jam, jam.
[1525.5s] Bernie, you've been doing that for 10 minutes.
[1527.8s] Let's see some jam and kill some goblins.
[1530.1s] But it worked.
[1532.1s] Well done.
[1533.4s] It did. I give them that.
[1535.1s] Welcome to the quest of protecting horses and buggies.
[1539.5s] But every quest, no matter how small, is noble. Yes.
[1543.5s] I mean, that is why I'm on the Squire exchange program.
[1548.5s] Now, was this like, did you have to apply in person
[1551.3s] or was this like a write in program?
[1554.4s] Well, my night master back home in McCaw Valley
[1559.1s] signed me up for it that he thought that more world experience would be good.
[1566.8s] So I'm here.
[1567.8s] I've been here for three days, but I've already learned about the jam
[1571.8s] and I think it's exciting that we get to go while also protecting people from goblins.
[1577.1s] And I filled out the application for my current Squire,
[1580.1s] but it auto corrected to ducking and I got this bird.
[1583.6s] Hello. I am Squire, Bernie the Mew.
[1586.4s] Yes. Yes, you are.
[1588.4s] I am not a duck.
[1590.2s] Hmm.
[1591.2s] In case there was confusion.
[1592.9s] Oh, no, we've seen ducks.
[1595.4s] You are totally different.
[1596.8s] I don't think you're sporting a switchblade or anything.
[1599.7s] I am not sporting a switchblade.
[1604.6s] The ducks we've run into have been very problematic.
[1607.6s] Well, the duck wood was very, that was a bit of a sketchy place, I have to say.
[1612.4s] So when do we leave?
[1617.3s] Sir, when do we leave?
[1619.3s] Damien yells across the wagon yard to the merchant.
[1622.4s] Merchant man, when do we leave?
[1625.8s] We have help. We have a party.
[1628.5s] You have a party. All right.
[1630.1s] That sounds like it's going to be a fun time.
[1632.6s] You can leave whenever you got your party ready.
[1635.5s] Oh, we did it. You did it.
[1638.0s] So now we had the pre-party.
[1640.8s] Oh, did we?
[1641.9s] That's what he said, right?
[1643.9s] Pre-party.
[1647.0s] OK, I don't think I got that one.
[1651.7s] And Damien walks off.
[1653.2s] Oh, follow us.
[1656.0s] Oh, oh, oh, we told you our names.
[1659.5s] You should probably tell, well, at least me, your names,
[1662.7s] because I'm not sure circumference will remember half the time
[1665.9s] he calls me Root and that is not my name.
[1667.7s] Yeah, I was going to ask about that.
[1670.0s] Yeah. Well, you see,
[1674.2s] he really likes math, but also when I got here,
[1678.2s] I was sitting in like a square container
[1682.0s] because it was calming for the boat ride.
[1684.6s] And so he just looked at it.
[1686.3s] It was a nest. It was a nest bird.
[1689.2s] Yeah, OK. It was a nest inside a square box because it was calming.
[1692.8s] And he looked at it and he went, oh, a square root.
[1694.7s] And that happened.
[1696.6s] Oh, well, that's unfortunate.
[1699.3s] He really likes his math puns.
[1703.5s] Yes. I mean, he is a knight of the round.
[1706.4s] So it makes sense. It makes sense.
[1708.6s] I'm Glim. Oh, hello, Glim.
[1712.2s] And then for Tiffany's not for Tiffany's note of knowledge,
[1716.3s] which one are you in terms of height?
[1718.6s] I'm the Dragonborn.
[1720.3s] OK, Glim is the Dragonborn. Perfect.
[1722.8s] Half Orc Moot, checking in here.
[1725.7s] Half Orc Moot, it is nice to meet you, Moot.
[1728.6s] I'm Sullivan Slyte, but you can call me Sully.
[1731.7s] It is lovely to meet you, Sully.
[1734.0s] Welcome to the party and the quest for jam.
[1739.1s] Sort of in a roundabout way.
[1741.3s] Exactly.
[1742.6s] You get back to the caravan and he
[1746.8s] hame. What the fuck did I name him?
[1748.6s] Hamek. So much has happened.
[1753.2s] And yet nothing has happened.
[1754.6s] And yet nothing has happened.
[1756.4s] Hamish, we are ready to begin.
[1759.2s] Yeah, I see you got I see you got some some folks here.
[1762.4s] You guys ever escorted a caravan?
[1766.4s] I've been around a lot of horses.
[1768.0s] I think Glim rode on one.
[1771.1s] We traveled with the caravan with Hillop.
[1775.6s] Oh, yeah, we did.
[1777.8s] We have we have caravan experience.
[1780.8s] You rode with Hillop?
[1782.9s] Yeah. Do you know Hillop?
[1785.7s] Yeah, I know Hillop.
[1786.9s] He's not going to be coming with you, is he?
[1788.6s] No, no, no.
[1791.3s] Cool.
[1792.4s] He's got some Zumba to run.
[1794.2s] Oh, he's changing career path.
[1796.6s] Great. OK, so you got four drivers,
[1799.5s] one for each of the wagon,
[1800.8s] and then you guys are going to be just, you know,
[1803.1s] making sure nobody steals anything or wrecks anything.
[1807.9s] Sound all good?
[1809.4s] You can count on us.
[1811.6s] Perfect.
[1813.6s] I have total confidence that this is going to go off without a hitch.
[1817.5s] Why don't you shake the merchant man's hand?
[1820.2s] Wing comes out with like little fingers at the end.
[1824.3s] Shake your hand.
[1825.0s] Reaches and shakes your hand is all right.
[1828.3s] Well, there should be there should be a noble there to receive you.
[1835.6s] This is all to help get the city set up
[1838.2s] before we send out the people back to the city.
[1841.8s] Good. He set the city up before we send the people to the city.
[1844.7s] Got it. Perfect.
[1846.2s] Merchant man, this is not a smuggling mission, is it?
[1849.3s] Everything here is above board and sanctioned by the guilds and whatever.
[1853.8s] Everything here is above board.
[1855.3s] If you have a look, you'll see we've got food.
[1857.5s] We've got fabrics, spices, various building supplies, books,
[1862.0s] paintings, all that sort.
[1863.5s] Basically, a veritable smorgasbord of boredom.
[1866.4s] Excellent. You've got it.
[1868.2s] Nothing, nothing, nothing hinky going on.
[1871.2s] Nothing hinky.
[1872.6s] Yeah. Just concerned, just concerned about people
[1876.6s] interrupting us before we get there, of course.
[1879.6s] Hence, hiring you fine folks.
[1883.0s] We've got it covered.
[1886.9s] So we haven't talked about, like, compensation.
[1891.2s] The caravan sets off as you begin this conversation
[1894.7s] on the five to six day journey.
[1896.5s] And feel free to carry that conversation on.
[1900.0s] It's a good question, Sully.
[1901.3s] I mean, I'm going to do it to get better at fighting evil.
[1907.8s] But we also need to eat.
[1909.0s] So compensation? Jam?
[1913.0s] No, I will not take jam for compensation.
[1918.7s] What? David, stop looking at me.
[1920.0s] I'm the squire. I can't make these rules.
[1922.8s] Hey, we have four wagons and I'm not quite sure
[1925.4s] who's sitting next to who at the moment.
[1927.2s] So I don't know who I'm talking to.
[1929.5s] No, they're talking about compensation.
[1931.0s] That's to you. Yeah.
[1931.9s] And then he said compensation.
[1933.2s] And then the caravan just merited it away.
[1936.0s] So David, that conversation is to you.
[1937.8s] Russ is like, speak amongst yourselves.
[1940.0s] You hired them.
[1941.6s] Oh, I did it by proxy.
[1943.8s] Yeah. Yeah.
[1945.1s] The merchant hand you a bag of 500 gold.
[1948.8s] So you have 500 gold to spend as you will.
[1953.4s] Well, we have a bag of 100 gold to spend on you three fine fellows.
[1960.3s] Now, if we get there safely and and unscratched and nothing untoward
[1964.6s] happens, maybe we can scrounge up a little extra scratch.
[1968.3s] What do you think, Squire?
[1969.4s] We can dip into the reserves and, you know,
[1973.3s] share in the wealth.
[1976.1s] Yes. Good answer.
[1978.8s] So we may be looking at a hundred and twenty five gold when you arrive
[1983.0s] and jam and good company
[1987.6s] and jam.
[1989.1s] I will enjoy two out of three of those things.
[1992.3s] It's probably the jam.
[1995.1s] It's your company, Birdie,
[1997.2s] because I obviously being a human and D&D with the wealth of races
[2001.0s] in is very gradating on everybody's nerves.
[2004.8s] So it's you.
[2006.7s] Everybody likes a bird friend.
[2008.8s] Everybody loves a human, lawful, good pAlydin in the wealth of D&D.
[2012.2s] Can't be that lawful good. Just saying.
[2016.8s] Hey, you don't know if he likes to have a surprise at the end.
[2019.8s] So God, I was about to say a happy ending.
[2022.1s] That was not where I was going.
[2024.4s] The answer would be probably yes.
[2026.5s] I mean, I mean, I don't understand if you're if you get there
[2030.1s] and you expect 100, but you end up with 250.
[2032.4s] That's a pretty good upswing.
[2034.1s] But if you get there expecting 250 and you only get 100,
[2036.5s] that's kind of a shitty day.
[2038.6s] Oh, so you're not going to 200.
[2040.6s] You're not going to promise them.
[2042.8s] You're going to be like, oh, generous big bonus.
[2046.3s] Where does this bag of gold come from?
[2049.6s] But it's the same bag of gold.
[2053.4s] I have to say, I agree. I agree.
[2056.0s] Are we each like driving a caravan essentially?
[2058.6s] No. OK, I didn't think so.
[2060.0s] We're just like you have four drivers escorting.
[2063.2s] Yeah, we're like walking beside.
[2064.8s] Yeah. Yeah, that's what I thought.
[2067.1s] You may take rest at any specific time, but, you know, you are you are escorting.
[2082.8s] Well, hey there, we're back in the middle.
[2084.5s] And it's just me here with you today, your Dungeon Master Russ More.
[2088.5s] Just wanted to pop in and say a quick huge thank you to David and Tiffany,
[2092.4s] who will be joining us again in a couple of weeks to wrap up this story
[2096.0s] of Circumference and Squire Root.
[2099.6s] If you would like to hear more from David and Tiffany,
[2101.7s] make sure you go search for North by North Quest
[2105.6s] anywhere you can download podcasts or you can visit
[2110.0s] North by North Quest dot com for all the details about them.
[2114.8s] It's an amazing podcast, amazing storytelling.
[2117.7s] And as you can tell, David and Tiffany have a lot of fun.
[2120.9s] Now onto a little housekeeping, a little bit about our schedule
[2123.8s] for the next couple of weeks.
[2125.4s] We won't be releasing regular episodes for the next two weeks.
[2128.3s] However, we will have special bonus episodes from a couple of podcasts
[2131.9s] that we absolutely love, that we'd like you to take a moment
[2135.1s] to listen to and enjoy and hopefully go listen to them as well.
[2139.2s] More details about that coming up on Christmas Day and New Year's Day.
[2142.9s] We'll be back with regular episodes for us on January 8th
[2146.5s] with the next Thea, Flint and New Friend, and then back into regular
[2150.6s] rotation from there on Monday, January 6th.
[2153.8s] Our new show, Facing Fate, will begin and will be released weekly
[2157.0s] for 10 weeks after that.
[2158.9s] If you'd like to hear the full season one before it comes out,
[2162.4s] come join us on Patreon, Patreon dot com slash Dumb Dragon Cast.
[2166.4s] Other things happening over on Patreon.
[2168.2s] We'll be back with side scroller episodes in January.
[2171.3s] Those are DM'd by Tom.
[2172.9s] We've got an awesome bonus game that Carla, Amy and I played
[2177.5s] where things definitely didn't go as I had planned them,
[2182.2s] being that I didn't plan a lot of things and just we just kind of went with it.
[2186.3s] So it's a lot of random, a lot of fun.
[2188.6s] Very excited for you to hear that.
[2190.3s] That's coming out in January as well.
[2192.1s] Patreon dot com slash Dumb Dragon Cast.
[2194.7s] Make sure you go check it out.
[2196.4s] But that's it for me.
[2197.3s] So let's get back to the episode.
[2200.8s] Unless anybody has anything in particular
[2202.9s] they would like to ask anybody in the group, I will carry on.
[2207.1s] Go for it.
[2207.9s] Damian just wants to know he's heard a lot of talk about this hillop character
[2211.8s] and he is going to inquire among upon the way.
[2215.3s] Oh, that feels like a long conversation.
[2217.6s] I've heard that name many times, more times than anything else
[2220.6s] out of their mouth since we've met them.
[2222.6s] We must inquire further.
[2224.0s] I don't know. Do you think they've said that more than the word jam?
[2227.2s] Probably, but with similar levels of enthusiasm,
[2231.6s] but in the opposite direction of jam.
[2234.4s] So is it enthusiasm if it's the opposite?
[2237.6s] What would you call that?
[2238.8s] Unenthusiasm.
[2240.9s] Oppositenaziism.
[2244.8s] Did you do the reading last night Squire Root?
[2248.4s] No.
[2248.8s] God.
[2251.5s] Who's got watch on this here?
[2253.6s] Who's kind of taking point at the front of this caravan?
[2257.6s] I think Damian actually would.
[2259.1s] He's used to actually being so his in D&D speak, he took the protector background.
[2264.8s] So he's used to being a little bit more putting himself out front,
[2267.9s] you know, and trying to watch out for others.
[2269.6s] So I think he'd probably take point.
[2270.9s] I'm wherever he is.
[2273.4s] Cool. Cool. Cool.
[2276.6s] And you said this means I die first.
[2278.7s] You've got a passive perception of 18.
[2280.8s] You said David.
[2281.6s] I do. Apparently it's my one high.
[2283.7s] I will not tell you which passive score is a nine,
[2286.0s] but that one is an 18.
[2287.5s] So yes.
[2288.2s] Perfect. Good to know.
[2289.2s] I mean, I could look at your sheet, but that's fine.
[2291.6s] My passive perception is a nine.
[2296.8s] Okay. Well, yeah, better part of a day has gone on.
[2304.0s] You're making it near towards dinner time.
[2307.5s] Damian, you see up ahead at the side of the road,
[2311.8s] what looks like a small creature,
[2314.8s] tough to make out from the distance at this moment,
[2317.7s] but there's a small creature kind of grayish in the shadow that you're looking at.
[2324.8s] Damian, as he first notices it out,
[2327.1s] I assume it's like in the middle of the path or the kind of.
[2330.0s] Yeah, kind of a little bit off to the side, but yes.
[2333.2s] Yeah. Along the way that you were going.
[2336.1s] Damian yells out, hail and well met.
[2338.4s] Good creature.
[2340.3s] What are you? What are you named?
[2342.2s] What? I cannot speak today.
[2344.3s] What are you called? Hello? Hello?
[2349.0s] Do you speak?
[2351.8s] As you get closer and you yell this out,
[2354.1s] you see it stop and look to you and it's holding something in its hand.
[2358.1s] It doesn't respond.
[2360.8s] And then it goes back to holding and playing with whatever it has in its hand.
[2369.2s] Are they balls based upon your hand juggling?
[2374.0s] Is it a turnt gobo?
[2376.8s] It does not look like a goblin.
[2378.4s] The closer you get, whoever's looking at this point, make a nature check.
[2387.5s] I think Damian, after he doesn't figure it out first,
[2390.1s] he's going to yell it to the others to get their opinion.
[2391.9s] He'll be like, root, mute, gram and sleet.
[2396.4s] What is this thing?
[2398.7s] Oh, I got a nat 20.
[2400.1s] I also got a nat 20, so we're crushing it on identifying this creature.
[2405.0s] I'm jogging up from the back.
[2406.6s] I was definitely pulling up the rear and being lazy.
[2411.5s] Well, the nat 20s in the group, you definitely know,
[2414.1s] recognize it as a tiny earth elemental.
[2420.0s] And as you get closer, you see that it is playing with small ball sized rocks.
[2426.5s] Ball sized rocks?
[2428.9s] I'm sorry, whose balls?
[2430.4s] Yes, like a tennis ball.
[2433.3s] Are they like the ones that you would like hold in your hand to do strength exercises?
[2437.8s] Yeah, yeah, that size.
[2440.0s] You know, like the Goblin King.
[2441.3s] Sure.
[2442.0s] No, that was too big.
[2444.6s] These are smaller ones you could fit in your hands.
[2448.7s] It's a small earth elemental.
[2450.3s] They can't be that big.
[2451.3s] You see it tossing, kind of tossing them up in the air and they fall down to the ground.
[2457.0s] And he picks them up and tosses them again and they kind of fall down to the ground.
[2461.8s] I come jogging up.
[2463.1s] Wait, where are we looking at?
[2465.2s] Balls!
[2466.7s] I beg your pardon?
[2468.4s] Sully looks down, like as if he forgot his pants.
[2474.4s] I don't know what the creature is, but balls.
[2477.2s] I'm waiting for someone who does know.
[2479.3s] It's an earth element.
[2480.9s] A what?
[2481.6s] An earth element.
[2482.6s] A what?
[2483.6s] It's like a nature creature.
[2487.5s] I think it's learning how to juggle.
[2489.9s] Oh, I know how to juggle.
[2491.5s] Are you learning how to juggle?
[2493.7s] Bernie the Mew yells.
[2496.0s] It looks or seemingly looks over in your direction and then kind of slumps and then
[2501.7s] reaches down to pick up the stones again and continues to throw them up in the air.
[2507.6s] Oh, is it not going well?
[2509.9s] It doesn't respond.
[2512.5s] It just keeps focusing on the stones.
[2520.6s] I mean, it's not less sexual.
[2522.6s] With a Nat 20, you'd know that earth elementals don't speak common.
[2527.8s] They speak what's known as Terran.
[2530.6s] No, I don't have that one.
[2533.6s] Me neither.
[2534.0s] Orin and Gnomish.
[2536.3s] I run off the side of the road and I grab three stones and I run forward a little bit.
[2542.0s] I go, eh, eh, and I start to juggle them.
[2545.1s] As Damien was leaning over to ask Sully if this was typical engrossment in balls
[2549.5s] and as he finally leans all the way over, Sully is gone.
[2552.1s] Yeah, Sully's gone.
[2555.4s] So Sully, you run over to the earth elemental?
[2558.3s] I run toward it a little bit.
[2560.0s] I'm not totally engaging.
[2561.8s] I go, eh, eh, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.
[2566.6s] It stops what it's doing and watches your pattern and watches you and kind of lifts
[2574.4s] its head as it's staring towards you the longer you go on.
[2577.7s] I'm going to make a dexterity check to see how far you, how long you can juggle.
[2580.9s] How long I can keep this up for.
[2583.3s] Brady the Mew, while you start, runs up behind you and fans out their wings
[2588.3s] to make you look very dazzling as you do it.
[2592.3s] Um, I'm going to say yes.
[2596.1s] That you, I don't know what I was, oh, you carry on for a long time.
[2600.0s] That's what, that's what I forgot what I made your role for.
[2601.8s] There's a whole caravan stop behind me.
[2603.6s] I'm just like, ah, ah, ah, yeah.
[2607.6s] You guys are the escort.
[2608.5s] So yeah, they've stopped behind you.
[2611.2s] And it's watching you with just, from what you can tell,
[2616.0s] amazement as it begins to walk forward towards you and kind of trying to mimic
[2622.0s] your behavior.
[2623.8s] Guys, I think I found a friend.
[2626.4s] I think you found a friend too.
[2628.0s] I whisper from really close behind you.
[2629.9s] Oh, God.
[2630.7s] Feathers.
[2631.7s] Well, I just, I thought it'd be pretty, like, just like.
[2636.2s] No, yeah, that's okay.
[2637.4s] Personal space is subjective.
[2641.0s] It, it begins to copy and follow what you do.
[2644.2s] It drops the stones a few times before it finally gets
[2648.3s] the pattern as you're, as you're going through this juggling motion.
[2652.5s] I can tell it, I, it can't understand me, but I make like very big happy faces
[2657.5s] and I'm like, yeah, and I'm nodding.
[2659.6s] I'm like, uh-huh.
[2663.0s] It's stone eyebrows moved into like an excited motion as it gets a few juggles
[2669.9s] back and forth and back and forth.
[2672.0s] And then you hear, as it gets going, you hear a loud rumble coming from the trees
[2678.4s] off to the side and it stops and it looks to you and then it starts to run back
[2684.4s] into the trees.
[2686.8s] I dropped my, my rocks and I'm like, oh, I really thought we had something there.
[2692.5s] Maybe we could have taken that on the road.
[2695.2s] It was very impressive.
[2696.8s] Did you scare it off, Sully?
[2698.9s] Well, no, there's like a big noise that came from the side there.
[2702.2s] You see it poke its head back out from the trees and it waves to you.
[2707.6s] And then it goes back into the trees.
[2710.7s] Oh, maybe it's mom called.
[2713.8s] Oh, maybe.
[2715.6s] Well, I guess the road is clear now.
[2717.2s] I guess we can just keep going.
[2720.3s] Do you think it was scared?
[2721.9s] Cause if it was scared, I feel like we might maybe should be scared too.
[2726.4s] Elementals are, or did it just see it seemed happy?
[2730.4s] Sully, you really bonded.
[2731.7s] Oh, okay.
[2732.7s] It just waved.
[2733.3s] I think he's okay.
[2735.6s] Roll an insight if you want to.
[2737.3s] Sure, I'll be insightful.
[2741.2s] What do I do with that?
[2744.4s] 17 minus one, probably.
[2746.8s] Minus one.
[2752.2s] Damien chimes in.
[2753.2s] Math is important.
[2757.2s] You all right?
[2757.6s] She gets one good die roll and then she dies.
[2763.8s] Sully just drops.
[2764.8s] I mean, I'm really sick.
[2766.7s] Hey, Dean.
[2768.8s] You can tell that when it came to look back at you, it looked happy
[2773.5s] and didn't run away necessarily in fear, but just knowing that it needed to be somewhere else.
[2781.2s] Yeah, no, I think you're right.
[2782.4s] I think it's mom probably called him.
[2786.0s] Yeah.
[2787.0s] Well, I guess let's keep going.
[2790.0s] Sully, that was some amazing juggling.
[2791.7s] I didn't know you were such a juggler.
[2795.8s] There was a short period of time when I was a jugologist.
[2799.1s] A jugologist?
[2800.4s] Yeah.
[2802.2s] Do you study the art of juggling?
[2805.1s] Oh, yeah.
[2805.5s] Or did you?
[2806.8s] Well, that's what I said.
[2808.5s] I was a jugologist.
[2809.8s] So, yeah.
[2812.8s] Sully's had all sorts of jobs.
[2815.4s] That was right before the Linenary, but it was after the cookery.
[2824.1s] Where did your crushology come in?
[2826.5s] Oh, that wasn't until later.
[2828.4s] That was way later.
[2829.4s] Oh, okay.
[2830.3s] Yeah.
[2832.3s] You're very impressive.
[2834.2s] We may even knight you ambassador of stone relations if you keep this up.
[2838.5s] Oh, that sounds...
[2841.2s] That's the job I've never had before.
[2842.3s] Speechless!
[2843.0s] The appropriate response to that.
[2845.7s] Whew.
[2846.8s] You flatter me.
[2848.5s] I assume we're still walking.
[2849.9s] Oh, absolutely.
[2850.6s] The carousel has definitely started back up.
[2853.7s] So, Birdie, why do you want to be a squire?
[2858.4s] Well, you have to be a squire in order to be a knight.
[2861.6s] And that's the real goal.
[2862.8s] Oh, well, why do you want to be a knight?
[2865.2s] Well, to help protect Macaw Valley.
[2870.0s] Yeah, there's a little bit of a parrot war going on.
[2873.4s] And I really want to help settle the conflict.
[2877.2s] But you have to be a knight to be able to attend the talks,
[2880.5s] to go to the conference.
[2882.0s] And the squire is kind of just an interim step.
[2886.8s] Oh, wow.
[2887.5s] That's a lot of bureaucracy in there.
[2891.8s] Yeah, and a lot of bird scene.
[2894.3s] Mostly bird scene.
[2895.7s] I believe it's pronounced bird-ocracy.
[2898.4s] Oh.
[2900.0s] No?
[2900.5s] No.
[2901.0s] Oh.
[2902.4s] No, just like Macaw to other parrot relations.
[2910.4s] Well, that's really noble, I mean.
[2913.9s] Thank you.
[2914.4s] I never really thought about like doing something like that to,
[2919.7s] like, I don't know.
[2921.3s] Hey, you guys, you ever thought about like becoming a knight
[2924.2s] or that you had to like move up in the ranks in order to help people?
[2927.4s] Well, no, I mean, I have a destiny to save the world, so I just have to like
[2936.4s] train and get strong and channel Bahamut,
[2939.1s] and then the opportunity to save the world will present itself.
[2943.1s] I never thought about a formal sort of training system.
[2946.7s] I mean, when you put it that way, it sounds very easy.
[2951.1s] Yeah, it's just one thing, save the world.
[2953.4s] It's only one thing to do.
[2955.1s] It's pretty easy.
[2956.7s] What are you saving it from?
[2957.9s] Yes.
[2958.2s] Are you saving it from parrots?
[2959.7s] Regalus with the tale of saving the world, because this is intriguing.
[2964.3s] Oh, well, I don't really know.
[2967.5s] I mean, I think we know who a bad guy is, but I just, um, a little bit about me.
[2977.9s] Taken to a village as a baby, chosen one,
[2981.3s] destined to save the world, but I don't really know any of the details yet.
[2987.1s] You don't know what you're saving the world from?
[2989.5s] As Birdie says this, literally in mid-speech,
[2992.5s] Damien pulls out his sword and points it straight at Glim.
[2996.4s] Hun guard!
[2999.1s] He's walking sideways with his sword still pointed directly at Glim, trying to keep pace.
[3005.1s] Oh, do you think I need to save the world from you, sir?
[3008.3s] If you are going to save the world,
[3010.2s] I would like to help you further gurgle your loins against evil.
[3014.3s] And in the best way, you get your brains out of the gutters.
[3019.4s] I am trying to help serve this noble quest.
[3024.8s] I have had passed down to me the skills and secrets of dueling through the years,
[3030.7s] and any skills I can teach you along our path,
[3033.5s] I would love to pass along to you on this absolutely noble journey,
[3039.4s] not the journey to Daglor Fur, that's not noble at all, but the journey to save the world!
[3048.0s] It's like 0.5% noble, okay, Root?
[3054.1s] What? I'm trying my best!
[3056.7s] Bahamut and the world versus a goblin!
[3061.6s] Sounded like multiple goblins.
[3063.9s] Fight him, fight him, Glim!
[3067.0s] Well, I would be happy for you to train.
[3069.9s] I think he's just going to fight me.
[3073.1s] Jam, fight, jam fight!
[3076.3s] This is going to get real interesting, something about loins, okay?
[3080.7s] First lesson, never bring a sword to a jam fight.
[3084.9s] Or jam to a sword fight, I learned that the hard way.
[3088.4s] Bring the proper equipment, that's literally lessons 1 and 1.5 for dueling.
[3094.7s] Do you need to borrow my short sword?
[3098.3s] Could you, you have that notebook, maybe you could write some of this down for me.
[3101.5s] Sure.
[3103.3s] Don't bring a sword to a jam fight or jam to a sword fight.
[3108.3s] Rule 1 and 1.5.
[3111.6s] Yes!
[3113.9s] Thank you sir, these are really excellent rules so far.
[3118.9s] Do you have your own sword or do you need to borrow my short sword for training?
[3123.5s] Oh, well, I don't have, I don't have a sword.
[3129.4s] I do have this though and I pull out my giant war pick.
[3134.3s] Whoa, a formidable weapon indeed.
[3137.7s] Sir, do you need my glaive or do you cut a long arm yourself?
[3140.7s] I, hmm, I mean my arms are about normal length,
[3143.9s] I would say they're about half a meter long, but you know.
[3146.3s] Oh, you mean my weapon!
[3148.7s] I cannot tell when you're joking with that bird face of yours.
[3152.6s] No, I will hold on to my sword and shield and duel accordingly,
[3159.1s] because lesson number 2, you never know what the opposition will bring to the fight.
[3166.0s] Yes, that is correct.
[3167.1s] A lot of rules about equipment,
[3168.7s] I hadn't thought about these sort of things, these logistics.
[3171.2s] Have you ever met a male before? It's the only thing they ever talk about in life.
[3178.7s] Equipment is a very important part of fighting and being a knight.
[3183.9s] You must come with a lot of equipment
[3186.0s] so that you can be able to handle any situation.
[3189.2s] Now what if someone strips you naked and then is like, save the world now?
[3194.2s] Fisty cuffs!
[3195.8s] Also, we're all naked underneath our clothes.
[3200.7s] Oh yeah, we probably shouldn't talk about the whole feather situation.
[3203.6s] Yeah, unless you're my squire, current squire, who's naked all the time.
[3208.6s] Well, I mean, I have feathers and I have this nice scarf.
[3212.5s] This conversation is about the dragon!
[3214.7s] Is a nice scarf.
[3215.9s] Thank you! My mom made it for me.
[3219.1s] It was my present, my going away present for the exchange program.
[3223.9s] Glim, I think now would be like a surprise attack
[3227.6s] because he's totally not paying attention to you.
[3233.6s] Birdie the Mew comes flapping at you.
[3235.5s] Oh, oh no! Oh, Birdie, I don't want to hurt you!
[3239.2s] Oh my goodness!
[3240.9s] Always prepare for the unexpected!
[3246.1s] Just feathers everywhere.
[3248.4s] If we're going to learn how to duel here,
[3250.5s] which I think is where we're going with this,
[3254.7s] let's roll initiative between those involved.
[3257.1s] So that would be Glim and Damien.
[3259.3s] And if anybody else wants to...
[3260.7s] Birdie will get out of the way.
[3262.3s] Anybody else wants to roll in for various moral supports or distractions?
[3269.4s] Okay. Can I roll in for taunting?
[3272.7s] Sure, yeah. Sounds like it.
[3274.3s] Sounds like a distraction.
[3276.3s] I'm going to roll in for note taking.
[3279.0s] Okay.
[3280.6s] 13.
[3282.2s] Sorry, 15 or 13?
[3283.8s] 13.
[3285.2s] Yeah, plus your initiative.
[3286.1s] 17.
[3288.0s] Oh, the taunting is going to...
[3289.7s] You're going to get right into taunting, it sounds like.
[3291.9s] Fucking ready.
[3295.0s] Wait, you're going to taunt me?
[3296.3s] Aren't you going to taunt Damien?
[3297.9s] I'm not sure.
[3298.8s] Whatever comes out of my mouth comes out of my mouth.
[3302.1s] What do we got for Damien?
[3303.4s] I don't control it, Carla.
[3305.3s] I got 25.
[3306.5s] Oh, Jesus.
[3308.3s] Birdie got a 20 for helping moral support and maybe a little bit of feather distraction.
[3315.9s] Damien, Birdie, Sully, and where's Mute in this situation?
[3321.0s] Mute got a three.
[3322.3s] Oh.
[3323.3s] He's taking notes.
[3324.1s] He's taking notes.
[3325.3s] He's taking notes.
[3326.5s] It's best to go last.
[3327.5s] Yep, absolutely.
[3328.4s] All right, so I imagine that the caravan has stopped.
[3333.5s] We'll say this is like night, you know, you've pulled over, you set up around camp
[3339.5s] on like the third night and now you've been called out
[3346.0s] to be imparted with the wisdom of circumference.
[3349.1s] That's me.
[3352.5s] That's you.
[3354.2s] So your drivers are kind of around the campfire watching this nonsense go on
[3360.3s] and you are all surrounding Damien and Glim.
[3364.3s] Damien, you are up first.
[3366.1s] So we'll go describe what you do or say and then we'll roll for no real damage.
[3373.7s] We'll just roll to see how well the parry goes.
[3377.5s] So Damien is going to kind of strut forward fairly confidently,
[3383.1s] but also not like overtly trying to just be up in Glim's face.
[3388.2s] And as he's walking forward, he intones.
[3393.0s] Next lesson is you never know what to expect as Damien tosses his mace
[3397.9s] to Birdie Lemieux and says, now you will show them what I've taught you.
[3401.8s] And he walks over next to Mute and stands behind him,
[3405.4s] full plate arms crossed, saying, I will look at your notes as this transpires.
[3410.6s] Perfect. Sounds good.
[3412.7s] Birdie, you're up.
[3413.3s] OK. OK. Birdie has stopped flapping their wings
[3420.9s] and grabs the mace that gets handed to them.
[3423.9s] And they look at Glim and go, ah, on guard.
[3428.6s] That's not really what you say with a mace, but it's all I got.
[3431.1s] And goes running at you to charge and whack you with it.
[3437.7s] Roll for attack.
[3439.9s] That's a five.
[3442.8s] Mace is not Birdie's normal weapon.
[3445.6s] So that's a very clear miss. Birdie charges towards Glim.
[3450.7s] I don't know if Glim even needs to sidestep for this one.
[3454.8s] Birdie runs past.
[3459.2s] Panicked in what's happening.
[3461.6s] The weight is off.
[3463.0s] They don't know how to handle this.
[3464.6s] And Sully, you're up next.
[3465.2s] It's like a comic up and down situation.
[3469.4s] I seem better swings than that in nightclubs.
[3475.6s] Glim.
[3476.2s] Glim is going to.
[3479.7s] I mean, I certainly don't want to hurt Birdie, but maybe.
[3483.2s] We'll say it's definitely more.
[3486.9s] Yeah, you're not trying to hurt each other.
[3488.4s] You're holding back.
[3489.8s] We're just sparring.
[3491.5s] Okay.
[3492.1s] Well, then I guess I was going to say I'd show off my breath weapon,
[3495.6s] but it doesn't really make sense when I'm supposed to be learning dueling.
[3498.7s] So I'm going to try and maybe just like knock her off her feet or something.
[3502.7s] Sure.
[3504.4s] But I don't because it is a nine.
[3508.0s] They hop.
[3510.1s] They hop as they drop the mace.
[3512.7s] Done with your BS hammer weapon.
[3515.7s] Who would have thought this six foot five dragonborn and this what?
[3519.0s] Three foot six?
[3520.2s] Yeah, like three or four would be would be so evenly matched.
[3523.3s] It's amazing.
[3525.8s] I'm about to get my short sword.
[3527.6s] You wait.
[3528.4s] Moot.
[3530.3s] Frantically writing down kind of what's happened so far in the battle
[3536.5s] notices that Glim weirdly went low on her attack.
[3542.2s] Back to Damian.
[3543.5s] You see, I don't I don't know what you were hoping for when you tossed the mace to Birdie,
[3547.5s] but now it's your turn again.
[3549.4s] I don't know either what he wanted from that.
[3552.1s] First he he absolutely yells criticisms at at at his square root.
[3557.1s] This is not how I don't like Mason in your thin bird bones.
[3561.7s] You're the weight of yours is off.
[3563.5s] Yes.
[3563.9s] It's not made for a bird.
[3565.2s] It builds muscle work the drumsticks.
[3569.3s] Oh, hollow bones.
[3570.7s] And he turns back to Moot who's he's standing behind
[3573.9s] and he reaches over mute shoulder like at the notes.
[3576.3s] Okay, you had some notes there.
[3578.7s] And adjust the parry there.
[3580.5s] And, you know, this I just want to make sure you get this accurate
[3583.5s] because some of the rumors we've heard out there is just concerning.
[3586.7s] And I just want to make sure that this all helps with the big picture.
[3590.7s] So the little pictures in the book is important to the big pictures because duly.
[3596.7s] Birdie, you're up next.
[3599.1s] Birdie has hopped the foot dropped the mace is too heavy.
[3603.5s] And they're wearing a scarf and a sword belt.
[3608.2s] And nothing else.
[3610.3s] No, it's just plumage as far as the eye can see.
[3616.0s] And they draw their short sword and they go, that's better.
[3619.9s] And they go to lunge at you.
[3623.5s] And hopefully I do better with my short sword.
[3628.3s] I do.
[3630.6s] I do better.
[3631.7s] That's a 21.
[3633.1s] Oh, that'll do it with my short sword.
[3637.1s] Ha.
[3638.3s] So Birdie comes in low is striking your armor.
[3643.1s] You don't have armor.
[3644.0s] Like the flat of the blade.
[3646.2s] I do have chainmail or scale mail or something.
[3649.9s] Yeah.
[3651.5s] It's just it's the flat of the blade.
[3653.3s] Just more for the contact of like, I gotcha.
[3656.7s] Than to cut you.
[3658.1s] Damien yells out, watch the knees Dragonborn.
[3661.3s] Destiny always goes for the knees.
[3663.1s] Hey Glim.
[3664.0s] Are you going to let them just spank you around like that?
[3667.1s] Come on.
[3669.1s] Ha ha.
[3671.1s] Okay.
[3672.1s] I'm going to, I'm really, I mean it this time.
[3674.6s] This time I'm really going to try.
[3677.1s] It's a 22.
[3679.8s] That does it.
[3683.7s] So again, I'm just like trying to like, I pull it kind of.
[3689.1s] Yeah.
[3690.6s] But definite, definite contact there as you as Birdie receive a knock from the war pick moot.
[3699.4s] Oh, that was really good.
[3701.0s] You too.
[3701.5s] You're doing so good now.
[3703.2s] Easier with the right weapon.
[3705.2s] Yeah, you need one that's well bAlydinced.
[3707.6s] Is this, is this to your liking circumference?
[3710.8s] Is this, is this what you're interested in with my notes here?
[3714.9s] Aye.
[3715.5s] I mean, you can leave out the part about the thin bird bones.
[3718.6s] I mean, it is a good.
[3719.6s] You said it.
[3720.3s] But yes.
[3720.8s] I feel like I should write everything down.
[3722.3s] It is true.
[3723.2s] You are, yes, very astute.
[3725.1s] You know, are you looking for an intern position?
[3728.1s] Because I know some people back in town.
[3731.2s] Well, tell you what, I'll think about it,
[3732.9s] but I really want to see this, this world's biggest jar of jam here first.
[3738.0s] Oh yes.
[3738.8s] Of course.
[3739.5s] I would never stand in the way of your personal quest.
[3742.0s] Of course.
[3743.4s] He would definitely stand in the way of my personal quest.
[3745.6s] Yes, that is my job.
[3748.0s] Is it?
[3749.4s] I thought your job was to nurture me and teach me the ways of knighthood.
[3756.1s] Like the largest jar of jam.
[3759.9s] Damien, did you want to do anything outside of?
[3763.1s] Yes.
[3764.7s] At that moment, he then says, and this is how you finish a fight.
[3769.1s] And he jumps out and lunges directly at Glim with his, what's he got?
[3775.2s] Hold on.
[3775.5s] He's got something.
[3777.0s] You have a short sword.
[3778.2s] I have a short sword.
[3779.2s] I have also.
[3780.5s] He pulls out this very nice, slightly gleaming, giant slayer short sword
[3785.1s] and goes to just pop Glim on the shoulder with the side of the blade.
[3791.5s] 21.
[3792.4s] That'll do it.
[3795.1s] So from off to the side, when you thought you were fighting Bertie,
[3799.2s] circumference flies out and taps you on the shoulder.
[3803.2s] Bertie, it's your turn.
[3804.4s] Seeing your, your, your, your knight, your leader jump into the fray.
[3812.6s] Oh, uh, uh.
[3814.7s] Continue the fight.
[3816.0s] Oh, but they're new.
[3817.4s] We two opponents seems like a lot.
[3819.5s] Well, then seed Bertie seed, not bird seed, seed the fight.
[3826.3s] I see the fight and Bertie just kind of like slowly,
[3832.4s] like backs out of the middle and goes and sits down next to moot.
[3837.1s] And Damien immediately, as Bertie says, that drops into a very
[3840.8s] respectful kneel directly in front of Glim bowels low and then stands high saying,
[3848.5s] you have a lot of potential.
[3850.5s] You need to keep practicing, but you are on the road to greatness.
[3854.4s] I believe that destiny with your friends supporting you has chosen well.
[3861.2s] Oh, well, thank you.
[3863.0s] Thank you so much for your tutelage, circumference.
[3865.1s] It means so much to me.
[3866.4s] Of course.
[3867.0s] If there's anything that my, my squire or I can do for yourself
[3871.2s] or your companions, Mute and Sully, we would, we are at your service.
[3876.0s] Well, until we are in Daggerford and then we will see where our nest adventure takes us.
[3879.2s] But for the time being, you have a friend in circumference and Bertie Lemute.
[3883.5s] Bertie's got just bird's seeds, just like begin.
[3913.5s] The intro and extra music long road ahead is by Kavin McLeod of the Competech.Filmmusic.io.
[3934.0s] Other music and ambience can be found at EpidemicSound.com.
[3938.1s] A huge thank you to our supporting producers, Ryan Cushman, Gabriel Lynch, Joshua Dixon,
[3943.2s] Devin Michaels, Kat Waterflame, and Jacob Madden.
[3946.0s] To find out more about becoming a supporting producer
[3948.3s] and all of the amazing bonus content we have, visit Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
[3955.6s] You hold on a second.
[3956.6s] Did we ever resolve the fact that Glim totally ate my mushroom omelette?
[3962.8s] Yeah, that was between episodes.
[3967.6s] That's why I had the nightmare and stuff, right?
[3969.4s] No, you had the nightmare before you ate the omelette.
[3974.6s] There's a lot of stuff happening here.
[3976.4s] Okay, so the mausoleum.
[3978.5s] That may come back later.
[3981.5s] Yes, no, you guys said you did.
[3983.9s] You passed it a couple of days.
[3984.9s] You were watching her while she slept and then you stomped on it.
[3987.2s] Perfect.
[3989.2s] I love how there's no context to this yet.
[3991.5s] Yeah, sorry you guys.
[3993.9s] I really am here for not knowing what this omelette did.
[3999.0s] But it sounds like a party.
[4001.2s] Yeah, which is funny because I'm over here and I'm like, that's not that weird.
[4006.4s] Yeah, we've done some weird things with mushrooms.
[4010.0s] You hear coming, you hear from coming running.
[4013.2s] You hear you hear a voice from behind you.
[4018.2s] Dumbgeons and Dragons is a dumb dragons production.